Lessons from a Retired People Pleaser

A lack of self-worth will have you in repeated cycles until you wake up and create your reality.

My unraveling was actually a few years back when I was running growthnotgossip with a good friend of mine. There were big life moments happening that I didn’t know how to comprehend. I felt isolated and alone even though I was surrounded by so many friends.

As we ran the blog together there were things that I found myself getting upset about yet not speaking up. I would change a lot of what I thought were good ideas or color schemes (very small details, but they added up) to compromise. That started hacking away at other places and relationships where I compromised. And to what cost?

I was always overexplaining, overextending and never stood up for myself. I was always a person to brush my feelings to the side or keep it bottled up until the point of explosion. It was very unhealthy, but it’s actually very common too. I was always a “yes” girl down for whatever. Even romantically, it was all a bunch of situationships. I would prolong a “friends with benefits” in hopes of being a girlfriend when they already rejected me boo. LOL so, why am I prolonging it even more?

Baby, spiraling out of control.

Growthnotgossip came to an end because I was unraveling to the core. I was crying often and questioning a lot of friendships. Not because they were bad people or did something wrong, but because the version of me I was around them, was a version of me I couldn’t stand.

That version of me would drink a lot and be out until 4am. That version of me would have phone calls catching up on other people’s business that I had no business even discussing. That version of me wouldn’t really get to know people for themselves, because I already got the tea on them the other day. That version of me would spend money she didn’t have to be around people that didn’t even like me.

I would put on this front like I had it all together. A party girl having a good time. I was more consumed with the school of South Beach club scene than my actual academics.

Even when I moved to New York. This was all back in my young 20’s by the way, which is the time you were supposed to fuck up. When I first moved up there? Omg, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Not realizing how fast New York could swallow you whole. Again, I found myself in situationships. Again, I found myself searching for community, but afraid to have a difference of opinion because we might not be friends anymore.

Excessive drinking and partying in a city that never sleeps.

I began reading self-help books and practicing meditation which I still do to this day. But again, I found myself in the repeated situationship and friendship cycle. Overextending at the cost of myself.

Fast forward to Growthnotgossip.com when things were on the up & up. It was like my body would start rejecting ideas. Like when I thought of participating in an event I knew I didn’t want to be in, I would feel myself get sick. It was like my body was tired of me just saying yes, when it would eat me up inside. I wish I would’ve handled things better, but I didn’t know how.

It was a very dark time going thru trying to navigate and understand the way that I’ve been.

So many versions of me would put me as an afterthought.

Bring it to today!

I’ve been reading The Body Keeps the Score. An amazing book that shows you how trauma stays trapped in the body. It uncovered a memory that was so far back in my mind relating to sexual abuse in my childhood and being told I was only going to grow up to be a slut.

Well, no wonder I was partying and with my ass out on Instagram.

It all started to make sense. From how I was treated at 12 years old is how the rest of my life unraveled. Definitely getting a therapist this year, but what a crazy realization I had.

It made so much sense as to why I would act the way I acted, party the way I did, why I was so adamant on finding community, and why I let situationships last as long as they did. At least they weren’t abusing me.

Crazy.

As I write this, I’m seeing how that pattern has shown up in my current work environment. I came in bright-eyed and bushy tailed to now being isolated. It’s like my kindness gets taken advantage of. I come in wanting to build community and get played.

It took time to find safety within myself and safety in God. Thru it all God had my back when I wasn’t even on talking terms. Praise God!

The relationship I’m in now is the happiest I’ve ever been with a man. I’m myself and we have community with his cousins who live in our area. My quirky, girly, soft, funny self is being seen and heard.

There are no hidden agendas.

With starting this website back up, it has eased the stress that I was experiencing at work. Work felt like that was the only thing I had going on and it’s no longer something I look forward to doing like I once did.

Anyway, I am now actively choosing my joy and peace. I am actively choosing me. Thru it all I still have plenty of love and kindness to give.

Now I’m in a space where the energy is reciprocated and genuine.

I’m thankful to all my past experiences, friends and versions of myself, because I wouldn’t be who I am today without them!

We are growing ya’ll! One day at a time.

Love,

Jorden J.